Friday, July 19, 2013

Impressive Pet Tricks 003: Uggie the Jack Russell Terrier

You may have heard of a 10-year-old Jack Russell terrier named Uggie, seeing as he is a world famous moive star. Uggie is owned and was trained by Omar von Muller, the same individual who trained Jumpy the Border Collie/Heeler mix I profiled in a post from 7/17/2013. Uggie is most famous for his co-starring role in the 2011 film The Artist. Uggie's last role was a cameo (playing himself) in the film The Campaign, starring Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis. Will Ferrell attempts to punch Zach Galifianakis but misses and punches Uggie instead.

Uggie's Wikipedia page says that he "was rejected by at least his first two owners as being too wild", and that "he was about to be sent to a dog pound" before being adopted by animal trainer Omar Von Muller. In addition to numerous commercials, Uggie has appeared in 6 feature films. Uggie won the 11th annual Palm Dog Award for best performance by a canine at the 2011 Cannes Film Festival, for his role as "Jack" in The Artist. On June 25 2012, Uggie was the first dog ever to be invited to immortalize his pawprints in cement outside Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood Boulevard. The City of Los Angeles declared the date Uggie Day.

The Wikipedia entry for Jack Russells notes that they are "an energetic breed that relies on a high level of exercise and stimulation" and that the breed originates "from dogs bred and used by Reverend John Russell in the early 19th century". Regarding longevity, Wikipedia says "Jack Russells can live anywhere from between 13 to 16 years on average".

Video1: Omar von Muller and Uggie appear on the The Better Show to discuss Uggie's life, film career and biography, Uggie: My Story. The Better Show gets its name from it's distributor's (the Meredith Corporation) flagship publication, Better Homes and Gardens. The Better Show is co-hosted by Audra Lowe and JD Roberto from studios in Midtown Manhattan (4:48).

Video2: Uggie appears on The Ellen DeGeneres Show with his owner & trainer Omar von Muller, 1/17/2012. Video posted to YouTube on 1/18/2012 (2:12).

Video3: Uggie and Dash ride their skateboards. Video posted to YouTube on 3/17/2011 (1:43).

PPP #32

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Impressive Pet Tricks 002: Bunny The Diving Chocolate Lab

Bunny is a rescue Lab currently being fostered by Tami Stanley of Eluess Texas. Bunny is a female Chocolate Labrador Retriever who is aproximately one year old. The description for this YouTube video says "Bunny the lab is making a splash on the Web. The rescue dog has been getting attention for a video that shows off her swimming skills fetching toys at the bottom of a 13-foot-deep pool".

According to Stanley, she "first discovered Bunny's skill when she was in the pool holding a toy underwater. Bunny held her breath, swam by and snagged the toy". The Petfinder page created for Bunny says she is "funny and sweet", "fabulous with other dogs", and "on the smaller size". I found a video on the USA Today website that says Bunny is described on her Petfinder page as "not the brightest dog". Apparently Texas Labrador Retriever Rescue Inc decided agaisnt denigrating poor Bunny's intelligence and changed the wording. The Petfinder ad now describes Bunny as "silly".

Regarding Chocolate Labs, Wikipedia says, "the origins of all Chocolate labradors listed on the LabradorNet database (some 34,000 Labrador dogs of all shades) to eight original bloodlines. These bloodlines each lead back to three black Labradors in 1880s Newfoundland. Labradors are relatively large, with males typically weighing 64-90lb and females 55-71lb. The life expectancy for Labs is generally 10 to 12 years".

Video Description: Bunny dives to the bottom of a 13 foot pool to retrieve a toy. It is quite rare for a dog to be able to hold it's breath for long periods of time underwater. Video posted to YouTube on 7/16/2013 (2:01).

PPP #31

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Impressive Pet Tricks 001: Jumpy the Border Collie/Heeler Mix

Jumpy is a 4 year old male Border Collie/Heeler mix trained by Omar von Muller. In the comment section for the first YouTube video below one viewer asks if Jumpy has ever been injured performing a trick. Omar responds by writing, "No, as dangerous as they look... if he looses the scooter or skateboard at a high speed he just runs with it like nothing. All the other jumps etc were done one step at a time and never an accident".

Uggie the Jack Russell Terrier - famous for his co-starring role in the 2011 film The Artist - is another canine trained by von Muller. I presume that Jumpy is a star in his own right, but could not find any information regarding any acting gigs (a Google search returned only results that included the video below).

Video1: Jumpy performs various tricks, including riding a scooter standing on his two hind legs down a hill! 6/30/2013 (2:05).

Video2: Jumpy winks on command. Video posted to YouTube on 9/3/2011 (1:00).

Video3: [ADDED 10/27/2016] Re Jumpy acting gigs, he is co-starring in 2016's In the Valley of Violence with Ethan Hawke. and Ethan Hawke as a drifter named "Paul" and Jumpy as his dog, "Abbie" (1:11).

PPP #30

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Are You A Human Living In the Milky Way Galaxy On The Planet Earth Under the Atmosphere But On Top of The Planet's Crust Who Is Trying To Lose Pure Body Fat?

Male Announcer: Do you have too much body fat? It tends to accumulate on your stomach, hips and thighs. Body fat is unattractive and extremely hard to get rid of.

Female spokes model: Are you struggling to lose weight? Does it seem like no matter what you do you just can't get rid of excess body fat?

Male Announcer: Body fat builds over our midsection on top of the muscle underneath the skin...

Me, joking: ...under your clothes, inside your house, underneath the atmosphere, on the planet earth, on top of the crust, inside the Milky Way galaxy. If you're the kind of person who views the accumulation of pure body fat a problem Lipozene might be for you. On the other hand, if you think this sounds like a bunch of hooey, despite their claims that their snake oil is "clinically proven", it might not be for you (and you might be right).

Me, serious: After some research using the Google machine I found that Lipozene is a bunch of hooey as well as very expensive. The primary ingredient in Lipozene is glucomannan, which is a fiber. So all it is basically doing is making you feel full. It does not directly cause weight loss, as the name "Lipozene" suggests. This product has nothing at all in common with liposuction (the surgical removal of fat via a vacuum).

Also, to get the amount of fiber that would be necessary to "achieve substantial weight loss", you would need to take at least 14 capsules a day. However, the manufacturer warns that taking more than 6 capsules a day might not be safe. Take any more and you'll probably end up suffering from "severe diarrhea and gastrointestinal distress", including gas and bloating. It is even possible that your gut could explode (seriously). This is according to a professor of nutritional sciences at the University of Toronto.

How Stuff Works says "...the supplement really is inefficient [and] does not come for cheap. If you take [6 capsules a day], then each 60-count bottle of Lipozene will last for only 10 days. At a cost of roughly $30 per bottle, that brings the cost of a one month supply to $90".

My conclusion? Don't be fooled by this scam. We all know that the only way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts or magic pills. But I'm sure the manufacturer isn't having any trouble finding enough suckers to make this flimflam quite profitable.

PPP #29

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Sorcery that Facilitates Liquid Dispensing Will Amaze and Confound!

Are you tired of having to lift and tip your large beverage containers in order to pour liquids into a drinking vessel? If so, a new product that uses magic (as opposed to technology) might be just what you're looking for. The amazing supernatural thing-a-ma-jiggy I'm referring to is the "magic tap".

Everybody is thirsty for more, but sometimes it's hard to pour - and that is when the sorcery that powers the "magic tap" comes in. No need to worry if you're a muggle, as any non magic-user can operate the magic tap. The magical energy that allows the magic tap to draw liquids directly up can be found in a store near you. Just walk in and ask the first clerk you encounter for something called a "battery". This is the item that contains the magic "juice".

Next, follow the included instructions and insert the "battery" into your magic tap. Within seconds you'll be "pouring" liquids out of your container without having to tip it, exactly as if you were a wizard who graduated with honors from Hogwarts!

Seriously though, I was wondering how magic tap worked until I saw "battery not included" printed on the screen. Is a battery really magic? I think not. Also, is it really worth 10 bucks (plus the cost of a battery) to not have to lift and tip a container to pour liquids into a glass? I say no.

By the way, I think the magic jack is a product whose operation might appear more like actual magic - certainly to those who aren't technologically savy. What do you think me-buck?

PPP #28

Monday, May 6, 2013

Are You Tired of Looking Fat and Ugly?

Are you a man who is tired of looking fat and ugly? If so, perhaps Nutrisystem is not for you. Or, that is the thought that came to my mind while watching the diet product commercial starring Terry Bradshaw and Jillian Barberie. No offense to Terry, but, while he certainly is LESS fat and LESS ugly in the before and after pictures, I'm not convinced that many men would want to be "pretty like him".

Now, I'm not the kind of person who believes everyone ought to have perfectly toned bodies (as I certainly do not have one), but he's the one who threw out the "pretty like me" line. I mean, come on Terry, you don't really think you qualify as "pretty", do you? No, I suspect that this may be an attempt at some self-deprecating humor by Mr. Bradshaw. If so, I say huzzah for him.

On the other hand, some say this Nutrisystem ad promotes negative body stereotypes, and that the real message is, "If YOU are overweight, YOU are also ugly. Use our product and YOU will be healthy, thin and attractive".

In conclusion the guy who is the "some say" I previously referenced said, "Shame on Nutrisystem. They are... talking about a healthy lifestyle yet at the same type perpetuating false body-image stereotypes to sell their product".

But he didn't blame Mr. Bradshaw because he didn't write the script. I, however, WILL blame Mr. Bradshaw and retract my previous "huzzah". He didn't have to participate in an ad designed to shame people into buying Nutrisystem.

Finally, I have to add an additional "shame on you" to one more person - me. Shame on me for making fun of Mr. Bradshaw for being less fat and less ugly. I'm actually strongly opposed to making fun of people for their weight and/or looks, although I'm sure I'm not the only one who had these thoughts while viewing the commercial.


PPP #27

Sunday, May 5, 2013

In Regards to the Individual Who Thinks I Stink

An anonymous poster has been leaving comments on this blog using the ID "You Stink" and a URL that links to the Wikipedia page for "fart". While I appreciate this person's dedication to commenting on my blog, I must ask - is he (or she) suggesting that I actually smell, or are they saying that I stink metaphorically? If the latter then I don't know how it would be possible for said commenter to know that I stink, as we would have to have met in person for the commenter to get a whiff of my odor (if any).

Now I am almost positive that we have never met, and I do not believe that I smell. My guess is that this commenter means that I stink metaphorically, in that my blog is badly written, or that the points I make aren't any good or are poorly articulated. If that is the case I must ask, why are you reading my blog?

While I do appreciate your comments, as my blog would not get any otherwise, I do wonder why you make them if you think I stink. If my writing stinks why read and leave a comment? I'm pretty sure you're reading what I write, as your comments indicate you are. They refer back to what I say in my postings. The reason you're leaving these comments can't be because you like to argue, as I most often leave them stand with no response.

Would you care to enlighten me, Mr. You Stink? Are you a fan of the zombie apocalypse television series "The Walking Dead"? I've posted quite a few times on that subject, although you haven't responded to any of those commentaries. Perhaps you think those posts don't stink, and you don't comment on them because you do not wish to pay me a compliment? Or perhaps you enjoy my witty observations on commercials (both dumb and funny)? I really do not know why you keep coming back, although I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, even one that thinks I stink.

PPP #26

Friday, April 26, 2013

We All Know Not To Use Cotton Swabs To Clean Or Dry Our Ears. AHH!

This is the first line of the commercial for a product called "WaxVac". Perhaps you've seen it. It plays a lot on Current TV, the Al Gore channel that was recently sold to Al Jazeera. That being the case, I assume Stephanie Miller's time on the channel is limited. Although her radio program is still on the television for now.

And apparently they watch the commercials too, as one day they mentioned this one. They said they liked it, and mentioned the fact that they also yell along with the actors who were pretending they hurt their eardrums with cotton swabs, same as me. Every time this commercial airs, I also yell "AHH!" or "OWW!" at the appropriate time.

So it is a memorable commercial, but I have not, nor do I have plans to, buy the item (it is a device that uses vacuum technology to remove wax, water, or other debris from your ear canal. It looks like a small hot glue gun).

Not that I think I'll receive any answers, as nobody reads this blog... but have you, dear reader (let's pretend for now that you exist) seen the Wax Vac commercial and had a similar response? Have you (my imaginary reader) seen it and not yelled at the appropriate time?

I look forward to your responses, yea or nay in regards to the yelling of "ahh!" or "oww!" (not really, as there won't be any responses... or I'll be EXTREMELY shocked if there are any, at least).

PPP #25

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Stealing John Goodman's Time Machine

I was part of a small band of teenagers being held captive by the Conservative John Goodman. In order to escape his clutches, I decided to activate the time machine. I was on board the time machine, which happened to be a submarine. It did not occur to John Goodman that we would use the time machine to escape, as the hatch was open, and there was a strong possibility that activating the time machine while the hatch was open would kill us. But I decided to risk it.

I began filling out the paperwork, and decided to check the box to enable physical travel as well. I wrote in that we would travel from a dock somewhere on the east coast of the United States (somewhere in New England) to the Californian coast. In time we would go forward 10 years, from 1990 to 2000.

The Dungeon Master then told me that in 10 years John Goodman would die. I was concerned that his being distraught over losing the time machine would cause his death - and considered not going forward so far if that was the case. But the Dungeon Master told me that whatever we did he was going to die anyway.

Strange, that I was concerned about the life of someone who was holding us captive, but I liked John Goodman, or the actual John Goodman, at least. This was some other John Goodman. The real John Goodman is a Liberal who is still alive in the year 2013. This John Goodman, while also an actor, was not Liberal but Conservative. The alternate John Goodman was also an actor. Fact is, we were on the set of a movie that involved the submarine, although nobody but John Goodman and us teens he was holding captive knew the submarine was actually a time machine.

In the dream I was not me. One clue is that I am not a teenager. Another clue was that I was a fake Conservative named *redacted*. I do not know who, or how many other teens there were. This is the sum total of the dream I remembered upon waking. After using the facilities I decided to type it out right away so as to not forget. It does not make much sense, as my dreams usually do not, but there it is.

PPP #24

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Surviving Fictional Limb Amputation

This is yet another post that concerns AMC's post-apocalyptic zombie series, "The Walking Dead". In this post I shall discuss the story line concerning the amputation of one of the character's legs after being bitten by a "walker", which was done in order to prevent his being infected, getting sick, dying, and coming back as one of the dead.

The following excerpt from the April 24th airing of MSNBC's The Rachel Maddow Show (in which she discusses the aftermath of the Boston bombing) points out a reason why this story line might not be that realistic...

Rachel Maddow: Doctors and nurses, on their days off, started flooding into work as soon as they heard the first reports. Many of them have been in operating rooms ever since. Operating, in some cases, on the same patients two or three times. Amputations, for one, are not one operation deals. They are complicated multi-part surgeries as the doctors have been willing to explain to us...

Amputation isn't a simple as presented in TWD. The character Hershel is bitten in the ankle by a Walker (zombie). What happens next, according to precedent established by the writers, is that the bitten person develops a fever and then (eventually) dies. Then they rise from the dead as an unthinking thing that is technically dead, but somewhat alive. And all they want to do is eat the living. Other food (such as canned hams) is rejected.

If you follow this series you know that everyone is already infected. The scientist at the CDC told Rick that. But being bitten infects the bitten individual more seriously and that causes death... I guess (I'm still not clear on that specific detail). I guess the virus is present in lesser quantities in living persons, and kept at bay by their living-ness. But being bitten delivers a massive quantity of the virus, and that leads to death.

Which is why Rick cut off Hershel's leg after he was bitten - to prevent the massive dose of the virus from spreading from the bite throughout Hershel's bloodstream and killing him. How Rick amputated the leg was with an ax, which I think would have killed Hershel (even if it did prevent the spread of the virus). Shock, blood loss, and infection would certainly finish him off, as amputation involves surgically removing the limb and then covering the stump with skin flaps or skin grafts. None of this was done in the removal of Hershel's leg, so his surviving was probably highly unlikely.

This was a deviation from the "graphic novel" (which I have not read). I did read about the graphic novel though, and it says another character (one that is not present in the series) was the one who had his leg amputated. This character survived the amputation, but his wound later became infected and he died from the infection (a normal infection. I'm not referring to the zombie virus). But Hershel (the guy who's leg was amputated on the series) lived and has now recovered completely.

According to Wikipedia, a surgical amputation is accomplished via the following method...

The first step is ligating the supplying artery and vein, to prevent hemorrhage (bleeding). The muscles are transected, and finally the bone is sawed through with an oscillating saw. Sharp and rough edges of the bone(s) are filed down, skin and muscle flaps are then transposed over the stump, occasionally with the insertion of elements to attach a prosthesis.

What occurred on TWD was a "traumatic amputation", which is the "the partial or total avulsion of a part of a body during a serious accident, like traffic, labor, or combat". Wikipedia says this kind of amputation "creates the immediate danger of death from blood loss".

Wikipedia also notes that, "due to technological advances in prosthetics, many amputees live active lives with little restriction", but our heroes (TWD characters) do not have access to these technologic advances. Hershel currently gets around by hopping and using crutches, and for that reason I thought he was going to die before the season ended. I thought a zombie would get him or one of the Governor's men would shoot him. But he is still alive at the end of season three, and will be present at the beginning of season four.

Or I expect him to be. I suppose that they could say he died in between, as I've heard there is going to be a time jump when the new season starts (same as when season three began - several months elapsed between the season two finale and the first episode of season three). Hershel will die eventually I'm sure; and not from old age. This isn't a show where nothing bad can happen to any of the primary characters.

I read on TWD blog that the series creator can even envision killing off the primary character (Rick Grimes). IMO he was lying in order to create some tension. It makes it more exciting for the audience if they aren't convinced that certain characters are safe (can't be killed)... but killing off Rick? I'd be very surprised if that happened.

PPP #23, TWD #4.

Monday, April 1, 2013

The Resurrection of Damnation

Another post that concerns AMC's post-apocalyptic zombie series, "The Walking Dead"; the final episode of season 3 specifically. This post will contain spoilers, so don't read any further if you don't want it spoiled (not that anyone will read this. This blog has no readers at all as far as I know).

OK, now that I've viewed the episode, I've got to say it did not go down as I thought it might. I wouldn't have had any preconceived notions going in - since I have never read the graphic novel the show is based on - except for the fact that I've read ABOUT it. There is a wiki on the internet that I spent some time reading a while ago, and yesterday before the episode aired I read a number of the character history pages on Wikipedia.

Andrea is still alive in the comic (or "graphic novel"). She one of the longest lived characters, in fact. But, as you know if you watched the episode, she died. All the other people I surmised might perish - they all do get killed when the Governor attacks the prison in the comic (except for Glenn). According to what I read, the prison residents get their asses handed to them when the Woodbury army busts in. Hershel dies, Lori dies (she did not die earlier in childbirth as on the TV show) and Judith dies. Others might have died too, but I'm not familiar with the comic at all, so don't know.

Looks like what happened on the TV show is the opposite of what happened in the comic. In the comic Rick's group ended up being driven out of the prison, but on the TV show they are still there at the end of the episode. Not only that, but they go to Woodbury and bring all the weak old people back to the prison. Which means there will be a lot of characters available to die next season. That is what happened when the prisoners were introduced - it wasn't long before they were all dead.

On another topic, a commercial for the upcoming movie "World War Z" starring Brad Pitt aired during the episode. I was looking forward to this movie, but now I'm not so sure. The trailer made it clear that this flick features FAST zombies, like in the 28 days (and weeks) movies. Which probably means these zombies aren't really zombies but people infected with a disease. I don't care for the living persons infected with a disease like rabies zombie (they called it "mad human disease" in Zombieland). These are not real zombies. Zombies are undead.

That doesn't mean I'm no longer looking forward to "World War Z" though. If "zombieism as a disease" is the route they go it could still be good, but I definitely am thinking "maybe not" now. I just looked it up, and regarding the novel the film is based on, Wikipedia says, "The zombies... are undead humans reanimated by an incurable virus. ... Although zombies do not tire and are as strong as the humans that they infect, they are slow-moving and incapable of planning or cooperation in their attacks".

But the zombies shown in the trailer were moving VERY quickly, so clearly they changed that. The Wikipedia page for the movie says, " ...the production suffered some setbacks. In June 2012, the film's release date was pushed back and the crew returned to Budapest for seven weeks of additional shooting. Damon Lindelof was hired to rewrite the third act, but did not have the time to finish the script and Drew Goddard was hired to rewrite it".

Rewrites and reshoots could indicate the movie sucks and they're trying desperately to salvage it. Let's hope that isn't the case. Finally, back to the season 3 finale of TWD - why is Carl totally disregarding what his mother told him right before she died? She told him he was not to let the world as it is now change him - and he totally has! I thought he was wracked with guilt over her death and would thus try hard and honor her final request. Now he's engaging in precautionary murder?

PPP #22, TWD #3.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

Heads Filled With Goo

The season 3 finale of AMC's "The Walking Dead" airs tonight. Looking forward to watching it, as this is my favorite television show. There is one thing, however, that bother me a bit about it. Something that is quite contrary to reality. That is, how easy it is to kill Walkers by damaging their brains.

The human skull is actually a LOT tougher to penetrate than is depicted on the show. A gun, or a sharp object through one of the eyes or mouth would work, but a knife to the skull would not. A hatchet or sword swung with considerable force behind it would probably be enough to crack the skull, but a knife would not.

Knife thrusts to the skull have killed many a zombie on this program, and every time it happens I think, "no way". Worse yet was when Glenn killed a zombie by stomping on its head, smashing it and releasing the goo contained within. But at least his kill was realized via multiple stomps. In the most recent episode Michonne kills a zombie with one single stomp to the head; a single stomp that splits open it's noggin and completely flattens it.

In the previous episode a character called "The Governor" chops a zombie head in half with a shovel. Again, all I saw was goo instead of brain matter. It's as if these zombies have neither skulls nor brains. I suppose, however, if the zombie brain was as well protected as it would be if the show were a little more realistic... they'd be a hell of a lot harder to kill.

And there is also the fact that all our heroes seem to be a crack shot with a firearm. In the season 2 finale several of the characters were driving around (in moving vehicles) and shooting at moving zombies. A situation where I think missing the target entirely would happen more often than not. Yet it seemed every shot (or almost every shot) resulted in a kill.

Even so, this is still my favorite program. I wonder who is going to die tonight. I'm guessing that Hershel Greene, Beth Greene, Judith Grimes, Carol Peletier and (possibly) Glenn Rhee might bite it. In that order, meaning that Hershel is most likely to die, IMO. I'll be surprised if any other of the "good guys" don't survive.

On another topic, it seems a little odd that this show on a channel called "American Movie Classics" AMC used to show old movies exclusively; and without commercials. Now it's just another channel. But a lot of channels started out specializing in a particular genre, and most of them have now abandoned that idea.

That they are still AMC but don't show America movies that are classics (old movies) at all isn't something that concerns me much though. More upsetting to me is the fact that AMC nixed the release of a CD release of Bear McCreary's score. I don't know for sure if it was AMC executives, but I'm sure if it were something that they favored it would be happening.

Instead they're putting out a song CD with a measly 8 tracks. WTF is the deal with that? And it's "volume one", indicating their intent to put out further volumes. A score CD; that I'd be all over, but a song CD with only 8 songs isn't something I'm interested in. How disappointing. Hopefully a score CD will be forthcoming at some future date, but from what I've read it does not seem likely.

PPP #21, TWD #2.

Monday, February 11, 2013

Further Thoughts on TD Ameritrade and Vampires

In my previous post on this subject I suggested that TD Ameritrade might be discriminating against vampires. Since then, I've given it a lot of thought, and decided that might not necessarily be the case. Given the long "life" of a vampire, it would probably be prudent for a financial advisor to be more cautious whilst investing the money of their undead client.

After all, given the fact that vampires can "live" hundreds of years, they could potentially make mucho dinero via simple compound interest. Given this fact, investing in risky stocks would probably not be a good idea for a vampire.

On the other hand, it seems like TD Ameritrade goes out of it's way to say to vampires, "TD Ameritrade is not for you". Because they start out by referring to the Asian vampire Bob, but then say, "no, Bob isn't a vampire". Which might leave a vampire thinking, "I thought they were going to say what they could do for vampires like me".

But if TD Ameritrade really did discriminate against vampires, I doubt they would make a commercial touting the fact. Because, as I pointed out earlier, this would probably irk vampires, which might lead to the death (by having the blood drained from their bodies) of TD Ameritrade representatives.

Video: Pro-Vampire Rights Amendment commercial. Published 7/22/2008 (0:32).

PPP #20

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Does TD Ameritrade Discriminate Against Vampires?

I saw a commercial for TD Ameritrade yesterday that told the story of a vampire named Bob who was worried that he couldn't retire until 153 years of age due to his investments not providing very good returns. I have multiple problems with the ad. First of all, Bob looks Asian to me. Has there ever been a movie that featured an Asian vampire, let alone an Asian vampire named "Bob"?

Is Bob an Asian name? It does not sound Asian. Thirdly, Bob, in addition to being a vampire, is also an architect with two kids. Everyone knows that, being undead, vampires cannot father children. Perhaps he fathered the children before he became a vampire?

I suppose it does not matter, since pitchman Matt Damon admits that Bob isn't a vampire later in the ad. Matt explains that it would be fine that Bob's investments were not doing well IF he were a vampire. I guess TD Ameritrade doesn't want vampires as clients; or that they do an intentionally crappy job for their vampire clients?

Either way, I think TD Ameritrade is courting disaster. Or perhaps they just don't care about the lives of their agents. I say this because, learning that their financial advisor is intentionally screwing them, the vampire in question might decide to make short work of said advisor. If it were me, I'd just pretend I didn't know the client was a vampire, and try to do my best. Who wants to make a vampire angry?

But the better solution, in my opinion, is to steer clear of vampires. That way you have zero chance of dying as a result of having all your blood drained from your body. Or worse, becoming undead yourself.

In any case, whether or not TD Ameritrade discriminates against vampires is of no concern to me. They're the ones who will have to deal with the consequences if their (potential or shafted) vampire clients discover their duplicity.

Video: "Vampire Bob" TD Ameritrade TV Commercial. Published 3/26/2014 (0:29).

PPP #19