Thursday, February 7, 2013

Does TD Ameritrade Discriminate Against Vampires?

I saw a commercial for TD Ameritrade yesterday that told the story of a vampire named Bob who was worried that he couldn't retire until 153 years of age due to his investments not providing very good returns. I have multiple problems with the ad. First of all, Bob looks Asian to me. Has there ever been a movie that featured an Asian vampire, let alone an Asian vampire named "Bob"?

Is Bob an Asian name? It does not sound Asian. Thirdly, Bob, in addition to being a vampire, is also an architect with two kids. Everyone knows that, being undead, vampires cannot father children. Perhaps he fathered the children before he became a vampire?

I suppose it does not matter, since pitchman Matt Damon admits that Bob isn't a vampire later in the ad. Matt explains that it would be fine that Bob's investments were not doing well IF he were a vampire. I guess TD Ameritrade doesn't want vampires as clients; or that they do an intentionally crappy job for their vampire clients?

Either way, I think TD Ameritrade is courting disaster. Or perhaps they just don't care about the lives of their agents. I say this because, learning that their financial advisor is intentionally screwing them, the vampire in question might decide to make short work of said advisor. If it were me, I'd just pretend I didn't know the client was a vampire, and try to do my best. Who wants to make a vampire angry?

But the better solution, in my opinion, is to steer clear of vampires. That way you have zero chance of dying as a result of having all your blood drained from your body. Or worse, becoming undead yourself.

In any case, whether or not TD Ameritrade discriminates against vampires is of no concern to me. They're the ones who will have to deal with the consequences if their (potential or shafted) vampire clients discover their duplicity.

Video: "Vampire Bob" TD Ameritrade TV Commercial. Published 3/26/2014 (0:29).

PPP #19


  1. Why do you care about discrimination against vampires, when you don't even care about discrimination against Asian Americans?

  2. I *do* care about discrimination against Asian-Americans. Also, I concluded my post by saying that if TD AmeriTrade discriminates against vampires -- it is of no concern to me. Mostly because vampires do not exist. I only pretended that they do within the context of the post... it was intended to be humorous. Anyway, thanks for the comment.


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