Are You A Human Living In the Milky Way Galaxy On The Planet Earth Under the Atmosphere But On Top of The Planet's Crust Who Is Trying To Lose Pure Body Fat?

Male Announcer: Do you have too much body fat? It tends to accumulate on your stomach, hips and thighs. Body fat is unattractive and extremely hard to get rid of.

Female spokes model: Are you struggling to lose weight? Does it seem like no matter what you do you just can't get rid of excess body fat?

Male Announcer: Body fat builds over our midsection on top of the muscle underneath the skin...

Me, joking: ...under your clothes, inside your house, underneath the atmosphere, on the planet earth, on top of the crust, inside the Milky Way galaxy. If you're the kind of person who views the accumulation of pure body fat a problem Lipozene might be for you. On the other hand, if you think this sounds like a bunch of hooey, despite their claims that their snake oil is "clinically proven", it might not be for you (and you might be right).

Me, serious: After some research using the Google machine I found that Lipozene is a bunch of hooey as well as very expensive. The primary ingredient in Lipozene is glucomannan, which is a fiber. So all it is basically doing is making you feel full. It does not directly cause weight loss, as the name "Lipozene" suggests. This product has nothing at all in common with liposuction (the surgical removal of fat via a vacuum).

Also, to get the amount of fiber that would be necessary to "achieve substantial weight loss", you would need to take at least 14 capsules a day. However, the manufacturer warns that taking more than 6 capsules a day might not be safe. Take any more and you'll probably end up suffering from "severe diarrhea and gastrointestinal distress", including gas and bloating. It is even possible that your gut could explode (seriously). This is according to a professor of nutritional sciences at the University of Toronto.

How Stuff Works says "...the supplement really is inefficient [and] does not come for cheap. If you take [6 capsules a day], then each 60-count bottle of Lipozene will last for only 10 days. At a cost of roughly $30 per bottle, that brings the cost of a one month supply to $90".

My conclusion? Don't be fooled by this scam. We all know that the only way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Unfortunately there are no shortcuts or magic pills. But I'm sure the manufacturer isn't having any trouble finding enough suckers to make this flimflam quite profitable.

PPP #29

Sorcery that Facilitates Liquid Dispensing Will Amaze and Confound!

Are you tired of having to lift and tip your large beverage containers in order to pour liquids into a drinking vessel? If so, a new product that uses magic (as opposed to technology) might be just what you're looking for. The amazing supernatural thing-a-ma-jiggy I'm referring to is the "magic tap".

Everybody is thirsty for more, but sometimes it's hard to pour - and that is when the sorcery that powers the "magic tap" comes in. No need to worry if you're a muggle, as any non magic-user can operate the magic tap. The magical energy that allows the magic tap to draw liquids directly up can be found in a store near you. Just walk in and ask the first clerk you encounter for something called a "battery". This is the item that contains the magic "juice".

Next, follow the included instructions and insert the "battery" into your magic tap. Within seconds you'll be "pouring" liquids out of your container without having to tip it, exactly as if you were a wizard who graduated with honors from Hogwarts!

Seriously though, I was wondering how magic tap worked until I saw "battery not included" printed on the screen. Is a battery really magic? I think not. Also, is it really worth 10 bucks (plus the cost of a battery) to not have to lift and tip a container to pour liquids into a glass? I say no.

By the way, I think the magic jack is a product whose operation might appear more like actual magic - certainly to those who aren't technologically savy. What do you think me-buck?

PPP #28

Are You Tired of Looking Fat and Ugly?

Are you a man who is tired of looking fat and ugly? If so, perhaps Nutrisystem is not for you. Or, that is the thought that came to my mind while watching the diet product commercial starring Terry Bradshaw and Jillian Barberie. No offense to Terry, but, while he certainly is LESS fat and LESS ugly in the before and after pictures, I'm not convinced that many men would want to be "pretty like him".

Now, I'm not the kind of person who believes everyone ought to have perfectly toned bodies (as I certainly do not have one), but he's the one who threw out the "pretty like me" line. I mean, come on Terry, you don't really think you qualify as "pretty", do you? No, I suspect that this may be an attempt at some self-deprecating humor by Mr. Bradshaw. If so, I say huzzah for him.

On the other hand, some say this Nutrisystem ad promotes negative body stereotypes, and that the real message is, "If YOU are overweight, YOU are also ugly. Use our product and YOU will be healthy, thin and attractive".

In conclusion the guy who is the "some say" I previously referenced said, "Shame on Nutrisystem. They are... talking about a healthy lifestyle yet at the same type perpetuating false body-image stereotypes to sell their product".

But he didn't blame Mr. Bradshaw because he didn't write the script. I, however, WILL blame Mr. Bradshaw and retract my previous "huzzah". He didn't have to participate in an ad designed to shame people into buying Nutrisystem.

Finally, I have to add an additional "shame on you" to one more person - me. Shame on me for making fun of Mr. Bradshaw for being less fat and less ugly. I'm actually strongly opposed to making fun of people for their weight and/or looks, although I'm sure I'm not the only one who had these thoughts while viewing the commercial.

PPP #27

We All Know Not To Use Cotton Swabs To Clean Or Dry Our Ears. AHH!

This is the first line of the commercial for a product called "WaxVac". Perhaps you've seen it. It plays a lot on Current TV, the Al Gore channel that was recently sold to Al Jazeera. That being the case, I assume Stephanie Miller's time on the channel is limited. Although her radio program is still on the television for now.

And apparently they watch the commercials too, as one day they mentioned this one. They said they liked it, and mentioned the fact that they also yell along with the actors who were pretending they hurt their eardrums with cotton swabs, same as me. Every time this commercial airs, I also yell "AHH!" or "OWW!" at the appropriate time.

So it is a memorable commercial, but I have not, nor do I have plans to, buy the item (it is a device that uses vacuum technology to remove wax, water, or other debris from your ear canal. It looks like a small hot glue gun).

Not that I think I'll receive any answers, as nobody reads this blog... but have you, dear reader (let's pretend for now that you exist) seen the Wax Vac commercial and had a similar response? Have you (my imaginary reader) seen it and not yelled at the appropriate time?

I look forward to your responses, yea or nay in regards to the yelling of "ahh!" or "oww!" (not really, as there won't be any responses... or I'll be EXTREMELY shocked if there are any, at least).

PPP #25

Further Thoughts on TD Ameritrade and Vampires

In my previous post on this subject I suggested that TD Ameritrade might be discriminating against vampires. Since then, I've given it a lot of thought, and decided that might not necessarily be the case. Given the long "life" of a vampire, it would probably be prudent for a financial advisor to be more cautious whilst investing the money of their undead client.

After all, given the fact that vampires can "live" hundreds of years, they could potentially make mucho dinero via simple compound interest. Given this fact, investing in risky stocks would probably not be a good idea for a vampire.

On the other hand, it seems like TD Ameritrade goes out of it's way to say to vampires, "TD Ameritrade is not for you". Because they start out by referring to the Asian vampire Bob, but then say, "no, Bob isn't a vampire". Which might leave a vampire thinking, "I thought they were going to say what they could do for vampires like me".

But if TD Ameritrade really did discriminate against vampires, I doubt they would make a commercial touting the fact. Because, as I pointed out earlier, this would probably irk vampires, which might lead to the death (by having the blood drained from their bodies) of TD Ameritrade representatives.

Video: Pro-Vampire Rights Amendment commercial. Published 7/22/2008 (0:32).

PPP #20

Does TD Ameritrade Discriminate Against Vampires?

I saw a commercial for TD Ameritrade yesterday that told the story of a vampire named Bob who was worried that he couldn't retire until 153 years of age due to his investments not providing very good returns. I have multiple problems with the ad. First of all, Bob looks Asian to me. Has there ever been a movie that featured an Asian vampire, let alone an Asian vampire named "Bob"?

Is Bob an Asian name? It does not sound Asian. Thirdly, Bob, in addition to being a vampire, is also an architect with two kids. Everyone knows that, being undead, vampires cannot father children. Perhaps he fathered the children before he became a vampire?

I suppose it does not matter, since pitchman Matt Damon admits that Bob isn't a vampire later in the ad. Matt explains that it would be fine that Bob's investments were not doing well IF he were a vampire. I guess TD Ameritrade doesn't want vampires as clients; or that they do an intentionally crappy job for their vampire clients?

Either way, I think TD Ameritrade is courting disaster. Or perhaps they just don't care about the lives of their agents. I say this because, learning that their financial advisor is intentionally screwing them, the vampire in question might decide to make short work of said advisor. If it were me, I'd just pretend I didn't know the client was a vampire, and try to do my best. Who wants to make a vampire angry?

But the better solution, in my opinion, is to steer clear of vampires. That way you have zero chance of dying as a result of having all your blood drained from your body. Or worse, becoming undead yourself.

In any case, whether or not TD Ameritrade discriminates against vampires is of no concern to me. They're the ones who will have to deal with the consequences if their (potential or shafted) vampire clients discover their duplicity.

Video: "Vampire Bob" TD Ameritrade TV Commercial. Published 3/26/2014 (0:29).

PPP #19

Canine Slander

The Allstate insurance commercials featuring an actor portraying mayhem has crossed a line, deciding, for some strange reason, to slander man's best friend.

The Wikipedia entry (for Dean Winters, the actor playing "Mayhem") says, "On 6/20/2010, Winters was introduced as Mayhem, the recurring character in a new television and radio advertising campaign for Allstate Insurance created by the agency Leo Burnett Chicago. The campaign is centered around the idea that paying too little for insurance could result in customers not getting the best coverage or service for their money. In an analysis of the 15-second teaser spots, Stuart Elliott, advertising columnist of The New York Times, called Mayhem... a throwback to a kind of ad character that was once hugely popular: the bad guy who causes problems that the product being advertised solves..."

Sounds innocent enough. That is, until a recent installment of the campaign where Mayhem/Winters portrays the family dog, left to "hold down the fort" while his owners go out to see a movie. A gang of burglars enter the home and proceed steal everything not nailed down while the dog allows it to happen. Winters as Mayhem/The family says, "luckily for me, your friends showed up with this awesome bone". Then he yells at the thieves, "hey, you guys are great!".

Come on! Unless the dog was TRAINED to protect the home, is it really fair to suggest he's allowing the crime to take place? The spot is titled "Guard Dog", but I think that's intended as a criticism of the dog, who will be blamed by the ignorant owners when they return and see their PET has "allowed" the robbery to occur. Pets aren't trained service animals. Their only job is to provide companionship. The homeowners are lucky they didn't have to deal with a dead or injured dog (and expensive vet bills).

Instead they only lost some items of a low to moderate value. At one point in the commercial one of the thieves grabs some "silverware" from a drawer. Except the eating utensils are in the drawer loose. Valuable silverware isn't stored in this manner. Another grabs what is most likely a virtually worthless print from above the mantle. One of the thieves takes the "chandler" from over the kitchen table. Clearly these dumb crooks don't know what they're doing.

After subtracting the cost of the bone, these incompetent criminals may not have gotten away with much. Not anything that the family pet should have put his life or safety on the line for, even if it did understand what was going on.

Video: Allstate Mayhem TV Ad Guard Dog. Published 4/15/2012 (0:31).

PPP #18

Car Insurance Taste Test

Have you seen the commercial for the car insurance "taste test"? A man instructs willing participants to drink from two plastic cups filled with a red kool-aid-type liquid. After tasting both, the participant declares the first one to taste good, while the second one is horrible. The man then reveals that the first liquid is Geico car insurance, while the second is their competitor.

I presume this is supposed to be funny, seeing as you cannot (obviously) "taste" car insurance. I do not find the commercials funny. I find them stupid. The participant in the first commercial is a pregnant woman, and the man asks what her unborn baby thinks about the taste, saying something about babies (in the womb) have sensitive palates when it comes to car insurance (I don't recall his exact words).

Babies in the womb receive nourishment through their umbilical cords. They don't use their tongues, and thus their taste buds, until they are born. Fetuses cannot taste anything.

In the second in this series, an older couple looks confused when the man asks if this is their "first car insurance taste test". This makes me wonder if the participants are actors or real people. The pregnant woman in the first commercial could have been an actor, or she could have been a real person going along with the "joke".

Whatever is going on, I rate the effort "lame". I think they should stick with the computer animated gecko. Also, what is up with the saturation ad campaign that Geico has been running for quite some time now? Is it just me, or does Geico advertise far more than any other car insurance company? I mean, I DO see a lot of car insurance ads from other companies as well (which leads me to believe that providing car insurance must be a highly lucrative business), but it seems that Geico advertises far more than the others.

It makes me wonder how they can keep the rates down... they do advertise themselves as being a lower-priced car insurance provider. Since the government mandates that you purchase car insurance I think it would be reasonable for some government regulations to apply. Not that some do not already apply. I'm thinking in regards to how much profit the insurers can make. Seems to me they are currently raking it in (given the gobs of money they must be spending on advertising). Computer animating gecko spokes-reptiles can't be cheap.

PPP #16